Butterscotch and Chocolate
by I Heart Edward Cullen
Summary: A series of drabbles, updated whenever. EdwardxBella. A quick laugh, a thought to chew on, and Edward angst. UPDATE: The horror of the DMV, Jacob angst, and now with tasty beta flavor, courtesy of Lomesir! Thanks for nearly 200 reviews! Much love for all!
1. Chapter 1

**Christmas Present**

I had picked it up in Seattle. You know- that funky little shop in Westlake Center, with the mosaic mirror mermaids out front? The one that sells all the purses with 50's mother figures commenting on how Wine Makes Mommy Happy and books like _The Spotter's Guide To The Male Species_ andsuch?

Yeah. That one.

It was not Edward's only present that day, and far, _far _from being the most expensive, but he assured me repeatedly that it was his favorite once we were alone. I bought it based on his complaints about his lack of kitchen apparel lately. You might think Edward was beyond the point of caring what others thought, and what with all that money just lying around (I'm going to take a knife to that sofa of his sometime- they must stuff their furniture with it for lack of no better use.) a stained shirt would not be a catastrophe. Well, you would be quite wrong in that assumption.

God- I loved his cooking. And, there was just something really sexy about a long lean male making pasta for _you. _But I was getting a bit tired of the diatribe accompanying it about how there were no aprons in the world without lace, and how the apron-making-people were casting people in Traditional Gender Roles and it was their fault he now had alfredo sauce on his Brand New Shirt. He may be masculine, but apparently vanity runs so deep in the human psyche that even 100+ years and a new diet of a significantly darker cast can't extinguish it.

Not that I'm complaining or anything.

I eventually came to the conclusion that if I was going to be the only person he was cooking for (I had _better_ be. I don't relish the idea of some restaurant coming and kidnapping him to slave in their kitchens for all eternity and evermore after they taste his culinary skills. I don't like sharing.) I had best enjoy the process. Yeah, it was clichéd, but that was what made it so hilarious. However, I'm still not quite sure it I was excited or deeply frightened by the look he gave me after he unwrapped his official, "KISS THE COOK" apron.

A/N: Edited 1/13/2007. Yeah… I made the mistake of re-reading some of my old work. Cue massive shudder. Small wonder I'm not getting any new readers… So, this has all been edited. Hope it's an improvement. XD

I actually own _The Spotter's Guide To The Male Species_. Quite funny. The author likes to compare various traits to those of Elvis.


	2. Chapter 2

**Diet Wreckers**

I _despise _lunch.

Five pairs of eyes stared intently as I lifted my last bite of salad to my mouth, their expressions ranging from curiosity to puzzlement to utter disgust, all following the path of my fork. _I wonder if I was a rabbit in a past life… a very masochistic rabbit… _They must hear every grind of the greenery against my teeth as clearly as I do. Surely the band geeks three tables down can hear it, the preps over two to the left, the principal in his office down the hall…

I dropped my gaze downward, attention straying instead to the five identical slices of pizza gracing the table, in all their artery-clogging-thigh-thickening glory. All slowly growing cold, grease congealing on top of the pepperoni, cheese beckoning and mocking, all destined for some trashcan at the end of lunch. Even those little burnt bits on the crust look appealing. Every member of the party listened to my stomach growl reproachfully.

Catching the ending wisp of a throaty chuckle, I chucked my spitefully empty salad container at Emmett's head. He intercepted it with ease, redirecting it to the trash without a second thought._ Dammit, he **meant** for me to hear him laugh! _ Edward even had the gall to snicker at my little performance, so I redirected my efforts at him. But based on my last dismal failure, I took a bit more subtle route. _Focus, focus on the anger. Don'tlookathiseyesdon'tlookathiseyesdon'tlookathiseyes… _"You know, if you would just change me, I wouldn't have to worry about this sort of thing. You wouldn't want a fat girlfriend for the rest of eternity- would you?" _Success! Just enough disdain in your voice. Now, no laughing._

That shut him up. _Victory! Score- Edward: ∞, Bella: 1. It's… a start._

A/N: Don't know if it will show up at not, but there's supposed to be one of the infinity signs after Edward on that last line. You know, the sideways figure eight. Edited 1/13/2007.


	3. Chapter 3

**Alarm Clock**

"Bella? Bella, you need to wake up. You don't want me to have to run you to school again- do you?" Even more than half asleep, I can feel the sarcasm despite his seemingly kind words, even the small bit of carefully hidden hope behind the mockery. His cool breath tickles my nose, his irresistible smell cutting through the early morning fog that is my mind. Too lazy to even move my arms from the warmth of my bed, I simply raise my head all of two inches to the source of my annoyance, cutting off all possible irritations with my lips, not even bothering to open my eyes.

I believe I like this new snooze alarm much better.

A/N: Edited 1/13/2007.


	4. Chapter 4

**Halloween Specials**

I found him in my living room, head in his hands, shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Setting the candy corn I had left to fetch from the kitchen on the counter, I let the inconsolable vampire sob into my shoulder. After his tears had eventually run dry, I finally managed to get the source of his anguish out of him. "I-I s-said that if I h-heard one more R-R-Romanian accent I would cry, a-and I d-did!" Prejudice is never alright, no matter what form it takes.

A/N: Spawned after watching too many halloween specials, all of which seemed to feature a vampire with a widow's peak and a cape. (shrudders) Of course, everytime I saw went I would loudly exclaim, "EDWARD COULD KICK THEIR SORRY STEROTYPICAL BUTT ALL OVER TOWN!" Repeatedly. For real.


	5. Chapter 5

**More Than Meets The Eye**

It was surprisingly comfortable on the park bench, using his granite shoulder as a pillow, the full moon gently bathing us in it's glow. Jumping at the small growl issuing from the bushes behind me, I glanced at Edward in alarm, surprised by his lack of interest. His only response was to lazily wave at the source. Craning my neck, I simply stared at the werewolf waving back, brushing a few leaves from the fur sticking out from under his torn Hollister shirt. Edward's musical voice reached my ears. "Mike- where's Jessica?" His answer was a rather short mummy also emerging from the bushes, struggling to keep the brown curls issuing from under her soiled bandages out of her eyes. It wrapped an arm around the werewolf's waist, also waving pleasantly. Shivering, I turned to the once vacant bench on my other side. A rather transparent Angela requested for my answer for the 6th problem on the Trig homework. I whispered in my vampires' ear, "Are you sure we don't live in Casper, Wyoming? Or Halloweentown maybe?"

"Oh, it doesn't take some kitschy Disney holiday special to show that in most people, there's more than meets the eye." I didn't contemplate it much after that, as his crooked smile drove everything but him out of my mind.

A/N: These will be updated whenever I feel like it. I already had these written, all I had to do wa type them. So it won't be often. Hope you liked!


	6. Chapter 6

**April Fools Day- Emmett and Rosalie**

"Connie Chung reporting, for Komo 4 News, at Forks High School. Today I have with me a student of this high school. Tell me, how do you think this happened?" The reporter jammed her microphone into the uncommonly good looking blondes face. She restrained a smile and put on her best immature giggle. Time to play the preppy girl…

"Gee, like, I dunno. (Insert hair flip here)" Both reporter and vampire stared up at the Ford F-350, 3 stories up on the cafeteria roof, the headlights looking reproachfully right back at them. "Like, there's no high buildings around here, and, like, no roof access. I don't think there's even a ladder… I don't know how the teacher's going to get it down from there…"

The reporter wandered off, in search of more responsive prey, as she still didn't have enough material to fill up the 5 minute slot in the evening news. Rosalie stared after her retreating form, laughing quietly at the rather bald spot on the back of "Connie's" head, where she had stealthily removed her hair extensions while she was talking. A brawny arm slipped around her waist, the gentleness belying its apparent strength. Emmett joined her in staring after the ruined hairdo, which undoubtedly would go unnoticed for quite some time. They both laughed in whispers.

"Mr. Manahan is going to pay for giving me detention. How would he know what kind of trees grow in Tennessee?"

"I despise that fake of hair. She might as well shave it all off and wear a wig."

A perfect match.


	7. Chapter 7

**April Fools Day- Jasper and Alice**

"Connie Chung reporting, courtesy of Komo 4 news. I'm here in Forks today, where there has been a small riot at the Texaco station, over gas of all things."

A seething mass of people, cars, police, cars, and even the random waving hose and tossed skateboard paraded behind her, a gas station barely visible in it's midst. The mingled sounds of swearing, car horns and whistles filled the air.

"It seems someone reprogrammed the price of gas, and changed the sign in the middle of the day, around 2:00, advertising the price of gas as $0.45, while simultaneously broadcasting an advertisement of it to every channel operating in the area. How this was instrumented is not entirely sure, as it is impossible to change the gas prices without two people keying in a code together, as a system of checks, and the attendant was on duty at the time and saw nothing. Also, the security cameras, trained on the sign, recorded nothing but a small blur. In addition, the TV channels seem to have been hacked into from an outside source- Oh dear! I give up! CUT!"

The small Asian woman chased after the rather large sunhat that had been previously adorning her head, knocked off by a Frisbee, coming out of seemingly nowhere, revealing an ever growing bald spot. She was soon swallowed up by the mass of humanity, driven to violence by the thought of being able to fill up their car without refinancing their house.

Paper rained from the sky, adorned by two small stick figures. The larger blonde one was wielding a "2" painted on a clear sheet of plastic as he smirked, the smaller black haired figure brandishing a screwdriver and laptop while she laughed.

The camera man picked a sheet up and stared.


	8. Chapter 8

**April Fools Day- Edward and Bella**

"My, this plan is perfect…" Bella eyed her unfortunate boyfriend from around a corner. He was watching something on TV, involving a swearing lady and something about Texaco, Fords and hats. "I'll have to go shower, but what the heck. This will be worth it. High time I got him for a change," she mumbled.

She strode into kitchen confidently, calling out that she was going to fix something for lunch as she passed. Bella clattered about, back deliberately turned to the doorway, mumbling about quesadilla's more for his benefit that anything. She took in his soft footsteps as he exited the living room, the soft click as he turned the doorknob of the antique door. _Yes, yes. This is great! He'll expect a surprise. Just act natural, catch him off guard…_

She felt his cool breath ghosting on the back side of her neck as the reached up to retrieve some Pam spray. Feigning surprise, Bella whirled around, turning to face him.

The contented face remained for a split second before he took it all in.

Blood red irises.

Pale skin.

Circles under the eyes.

The crooked smile turned into a gasp of absolute horror. Then he simply fainted dead away.

- - -

Alice kicked the unconscious form of her brother. In response he shifted slightly, but remained crumpled on the kitchen floor. Bella eyed him blearily, her tears making streaks in her makeup, contacts shifted out of place amidst the salty water. "It was just a joke!" she sobbed. "I never wanted _that _to happen! The jerk! I didn't think he'd be that opposed to me being a vampire! Shocked, yes, but _fainting_!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Car Trouble**

Bella watched the scenery glide past the car window with a small sigh. Edward was going fast, as usual. Geez. The one time a man finally decides to ask for help, and he pulls a stunt like this…

She rolled down her window, pushing her head into the strong wind. Eyes watering, she glanced down to the underside of the car, into a pair of golden eyes below her.

"Edward, just change the stupid flat tire like a stupid _human_. I'm quite aware of the fact that you are a hundred times stronger and faster than anyone else of my species. There is no need to show off. Or call a tow truck. _Something._" She glared at him. Edward glared right back.

"Have you ever tried to get those stupid lug nuts off? I'm quite content to let Rosalie mess with it instead. No one's going to see. I'm taking back roads, and there's no other drivers around here. And you don't really want to wait on the shoulder for 2 hours- do you?" He feigned an innocent grin.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Suit yourself!" She retreated back to the interior of the car in a huff. "_Really._ Does he _need_ to carry the car!"


	10. Chapter 10

**Content**

Edward's head rested in her lap as she slowly flipped through the innumerable channels of his satellite TV. "Nothing… nothing… nothing… nothing… Really, this is a bit of cliché, but 500 channels and there is _nothing_ to watch." Finally settling on a re-run of the Office, the amused herself with the antics of the worst boss on the planet, absentmindedly running her hands through the silky head of bronze hair below her.

Edward, for his part, was paying no attention to the TV. In the closest thing to sleep he got, eyes closed and mind blank, he was aware of nothing more than the sinfully warm thigh beneath his cheek and the gentle hands playing with his hair.

By the time the second commercial break came around, she became aware of a small noise. It was nothing annoying. It was quite calming in fact. She gradually realized what it was, glancing down at the serene face below.

_He's… **purring.** I guess it makes sense. I mean, he growls- right? Why not?_

Ah, there is much to be said for having a vampire as a boyfriend.


	11. Chapter 11

**Definitions**

Blushing. For someone who has spent as many years in medical school as I, the mechanics behind it are far too evident. There are few mysteries of the human body to one as trained as I.

And besides what years of lectures have drilled into my head, I can _sense_ it. As a hunter senses it's prey, aware of the filling of every capillary and vein, the acceleration of her heartbeat, the exhalation of her breath, the small twitching of her lips, the way she drops her eyes to the ground. Aware, gloriously, terribly aware, as though the whole world had been made only for me to contemplate, and her sole purpose was to fill my senses.

Her scent overwhelms me.

I feel a small twinge of hunger as she gives a hesitant smile.

She raises her eyes back to my own.

Hunger… is she really prey? Is this lust?

Is it… love?

A/N: Sorry it's been so long. My old computer essentially melted (no joke, the fan in it broke) and when we finally got our new one we discovered we lost our Peoplepc software. So… no internet for IHEC. –weeps- There were many withdrawals.

I actually got a reply back from Stephenie Meyer about my fan letter! -faints- Maybe my life isn't a total failure.


	12. Chapter 12

**Come, and Be My Baby**

Sometimes it seemed like the warnings were everywhere.

Movies, newspapers, books, music, people.

Whispered overheard conversations on the street and politicians gesturing and spitting towards the camera on television.

Nuclear war. Materialism. Ignorance. Communism. Murder. Rape. Genocide. Disaster.

It seemed as though the whole world was teetering on the cusp of things, it's inhabitants either blissfully unaware or at a loss of what exactly to do.

Bella leaned back against Edward, letting his cool arms, his smell, his presence, envelop her. Both watched nature pass them by for a moment, the wind playing with the boughs of the trees and the sun peeking out from behind the clouds, only to be obscured again.

Words whispered into her hair, "It's alright."

It was enough.

A/N: Inspired by the poem of the same title by Maya Angelou, I believe.


	13. Chapter 13

**Drawing**

The sky was looked like a giant sheet of paper, stretching in all directions, all encompassing.

It was not grey, as it was when it was truly cloudy, or dark. There was no hint of blue, nor could Bella tell where the sun where was at the moment, as there was no tell tale hint of sunshine beyond the clouds. The color and light was uniform.

It was not hot. It was not cold. It was not windy. It was not muggy, nor damp or dry.

Just… white.

Walking along the road alone, not a soul in sight, it felt as though a giant hand would appear out the sky and erase her at any moment, leaving nothing but a few cosmic rubber shavings.

It sounded comical, but all the same she decided she would go to the guidance office tomorrow and sign up for journalism. She suddenly didn't feel like taking design anymore.

She plucked a strand of the tall grass growing in the ditch beside her and systematically shredded it. Although it was a trivial thing, minutia, it was nice to feel like she was able to control something.

A/N: We get weird days like this up in Washington. They're unsettling. I imagine they would really freak out someone used to the kind of weather in Arizona.


	14. Chapter 14

**Italian Food**

She ordered the fettuccini alfredo. _This is some sort of revenge, a clever and covertly sexy plan made with the sole intention to do nothing but punish me. Annoy me. Distress me._ Unbidden and unwanted, some very, very naughty images arise in Edward's mind. He tries very hard to ignore them. But ever contrary, every time he throws them to the ground and squashes them under his heel with a great deal of swearing, they always spring back up even more X-rated.

_Concentrating. What is Bella angry about. Think. Think._

Bella glares at him over the table, and defiantly slurps a noodle into her delicate little mouth, licking the sauce off of her ample lips. _No! No! Concentrating! My god…is she even aware of what she's doing?!_ But he's lying to himself. Of course she is. He thinks. Edward quickly hides his hands under the table and digs them into the sticky vinyl of the padded booth, so she can't see them trembling.

"So… Edward. Do you happen to recall what today might be?"

"Tuesday the 17th." An automatic response, made by a very distracted vampire. He's looking at the ground, the faux wood laminate of the table, the couple at the next table sticking their tongues down one another's throats, anything but her.

The distaste is evident, as the pert little mouth forms into something infinitely more dangerous. Wrong answer. Edward's gaze is drawn back to her with the grudging acceptance of a man going to his execution, quite unaware of how his mouth is hanging open.

Oh well. As long as he's going to hell, he might as well do it thoroughly.

Edward effectively wipes that smirk off of Bella's pretty face, leaning over to lick the sauce off her cheek before whispering soft words onto her skin, catching her widened eyes with his own.

"Who's afraid of a little garlic?"

A/N: I don't know of any significance to the date. Pretend he forgot to take her to some appointment, or get her flowers for some trivial anniversary or something. Quote in 3rd to last paragraph taken from Twilight. Edited 1/13/07.


	15. Chapter 15

**Mortality**

**(Devotion)**

Edward stood by his choice. He had never regretted it.

Well, maybe that was a lie. There was a small part of him that selfishly gazed upon her face now, thinking of what might have been. What _they_ might have been.

However, he stood by it. He had made the right decision. He could feel it in every part of his being. Resolve.

Fingers of love caressed her aged face, the laugh lines and the crows feet at the corners of clouded eyes. Tucked silver hair behind her ear. Attempted to forget about the gentle whooshing of the breath being pumped into her lungs, the faint beeping of the heart monitor, the questioning thoughts of the nurses at the station outside the room. _He sure does love his grandmother… He's been here for ages… But it is a little strange…_

"Edward?" Her once vibrant voice was nothing but the most ancient whisper of dried leaves now.

"Yes, Bella?"

"I want you to do it. Now. But… I just wish… I could see you once more…"

His head nodded of its own accord, and he lifted her hand to his face, gently tracing his features with it. A small smile graced her countenance, and he kept her hands cradled in his own as her listened to the machines grind to a halt and as that once sinful warmth was replaced by a waxy coolness.

Hands in his pockets he left the room behind him, along with the corpse of the only woman he had ever loved. Walking slowly down the hall, Edward Cullen knew he had made the right choice. No tears graced his eyes. He did not cry, did not sob or scream. Only walked, and looked upon the many, many room numbers and halogen lights with distant eyes.

After all, when life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.

Only words.

"I'll follow you into the dark."

A/N: More of a shortish one-shot than a drabble. Oh well. It's 2:03 in the morning, and I'm listening to Death Cab's (For Cutie, for lame people who can't keep up on good music) you guessed it, "I'll Follow You Into the Dark". That just struck me blind as being perfect for this situation, and I was compelled to drag out my laptop against my better judgment.

But, can't you just see Edward walking down that hallway? Especially after you listen to the song.

Extra bonus pluggage! Death Cab is a Seattle band! Well, I believe it's Bellingham if you care to be picky (don't quote me on that) but if only for Edward's sake than anyone else's go check them out. And for the great Stephenie Meyer's, go check out Muse's new single, "Supermassive Black Hole." Y'all got that! Do it! Now! -cracks lunge whip-


	16. Chapter 16

**Selfish**

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been better if I had never met her.

Sometimes it seems like she is a part of myself, an extension, that I never knew about and yet is still somehow essential.

Sometimes I wonder how I survived without her. Before her.

Sometimes when I lie awake at night and speculate, unsure if she thinks the same thing as well.

Sometimes I know that she deserves better.

Because sometimes I wonder if the agony of being together is worth the pain of being apart.

I am so selfish.

A/N: Angsty. Keh heh heh.


	17. Chapter 17

**Skipping Class**

_I once knew a girl in the years of my youth_

_With eyes like the summer all beauty and truth_

_But in the morning I fled, left a note and it read_

_Someday you will be loved…_

_Music soothes the savage beast…_ I thought it with only a small twinge of humor.

I turned the volume up a bit louder.

A migraine slowly worked it's way in between my sensitive ears.

I relished it.

"Serves you right."

Anything to make the voices stop.

_Bella seems upset… is something wrong?_

_Edward? Edward Cullen?_

_Dumped her? Why the hell would he do something like that? They seemed so happy… What happened?_

_Catch her on the rebound! A hot chick like that… all desperate and lonely…_

Shift into drive. Press the gas. Turn the wheel. An automaton.

Leave it all behind. Leave _her_ behind. Leave it all.

Running. Like always. An animal.

_It's for the best… **She** could never really be happy with me._

Now if only I could convince myself of that.

_You may feel alone when you're falling asleep_

_And every time tears roll down your cheeks_

_But I know that your heart belongs to someone you have yet to meet_

_And someday you will be loved…_

A/N: I do believe Edward has gone emo. Angsty emo vampire Edward, listening to Death Cab in his car during class… -imagines Edward in a pair of girl pants- **_I like._** -evil grin-

I can't believe I wrote a songfic. -presses finger to lips- Ssshh. I'm disgusted with myself as it is.

Death Cab for Cutie- Someday You Will be Loved.


	18. Chapter 18

**50 Sentences Live Journal Prompt**

A/N: Giedre sent me a lovely and long review on Baseball Caps, mentioning a prompt on livejournal to write fifty sentences using fifty one word topics, (I don't have one- and this sort of thing is just the sort of inspiration I need! Bring on the challenges!) which they/he/she/it fulfilled beautifully. However, I am lazy. And I'd rather go re-read New Moon and speculate with my buddy as to how so many of my prompts and the original ending to Midnight was very, _very_ close to that of New Moon. At least the almost-drowning part. XD So I only did a few. Many of them will be turned into more conventional drabbles though.

**Air**

Bad days Edward thinks he is suffocating- the worst days are when he forgets to breathe.

**Apples**

Her lips caress red skin, juice running down her chin as she smiles at a taste he can only imagine, and while a far more intelligent part of him makes a wry smile at the various ironies, a much larger part decides he would give nearly anything to be that apple.

**Beginning**

He swore that it would be as though he never existed- but somehow they had become so intertwined that when he left, beginnings and endings meshed in some bond she naively believed to be mutual, that when he so callously ripped those lovingly crafted seams apart, he took far too much of her with to ever be whole again.

**Bugs**

Bella enjoys setting out food for the various insects and watching them haul off their free meal- she can sympathize with the feeling of insignificance in the face of something so much bigger than yourself.

**Coffee**

Bella was surprisingly astonished at how long it took her to learn that Seattle really _did_ have the best coffee. (And it does. It has too. How else do we stay awake through the near constant drizzle of winter? We can go weeks without seeing the sun. It's either Starbucks or Prozac man.)

**Dark**

Even if he does not crumble to dust in the presence of the sunlight, he is still a being of the night.

**Despair**

And as he left a small part of him knew she would never smile again.

**Drink**

Edward watches with interest as she fills the glass from the tap, waiting for his favorite part, when that long neck of hers stretches out in profile against the kitchen window as the water slides down her throat.

**Fall**

She loves him because he _will always be there to catch her._

**Foot**

It keeps Bella awake at night, wondering at how something so mundane as an ankle can seem sexy when Edward wears flip flops.

**Grave**

He lays the flowers and himself out at her grave and thinks about how lucky she is to be able to die

.** Hollow**

They cling to one another with the desperation of the cursed- and in some way they are, never to be whole without the other again.

**Honor**

It's not near as valuable a quality as everyone makes it out to be.

**Poison**

It is killing them both slowly, by degrees, painfully, but they happily drink it, fully knowing that they will not last.

**Rain**

Somehow it doesn't seem near as unpleasant anymore.

**Roses**

They paled in comparison to her beauty, and yet he thrust them at Bella all the same, feeling completely clichéd and useless.

**Snow**

Bella grudgingly gives it some credit- it did give her the first real glimpse of the man she fell in love with, after all- but it still seeps in through the seams of her shoes and makes her socks all wet and unpleasant.

**Solid**

Despite it all, Edward had always known that Bella was his anchor in what little normality he possessed.

**Stable**

There is no such thing. Not anymore. (Pin it to the usual New Moon angst… -shifty glance- Don't count periods either.)

**Taboo**

Their tongues weave, dancing with one another to some primitive melody he wasn't even aware he knew, and he yearns to give himself over to that sinful harmony, and yet all he can hear is the rhythm of her lone heart beating out a singular _taboo, taboo, taboo._

**Welcome**

Upon their reunion they find they are strangely unversed in it's delicate nuances- until they both realize that they had never really been apart before that fateful day.

**Wood**

"It seems vampires are not even exempt," she says with a laugh and slight downward glance, as Edward really, truly blushes for the first time in his entire 100+ years of existence. (XDDDDD)

My favorite is Taboo. These will probably be added to on a later date. Also, they were all written pre- New Moon, except for Welcome, Stable, Honor, Despair and Beginning.


	19. Chapter 19

**Dark**

Warning! New Moon Spoilers!

Even if he does not crumble to dust in the presence of the sunlight, he is still a being of the night. And even one as bright as her cannot change that simple fact.

And it was far, far too easy to slip into the shadows of that dank forest, far, far, too easy to watch her reaction. After all, he is darkness, and he is suited for nothing less than punishment.

Edward was still not sure what would have hurt more- despair or anger, disbelief or indifference, sobs or screams.

And as he watched her grow so deathly quiet, sinking into herself and melding with the ground he realizes he was not prepared for this. It would be far, far too easy to beg her forgiveness, to go down and cradle her in his stone arms once more until that smile returned to her face and kiss all those tears away. So, so easy.

Fingernails dig into the bark of the tree, wishing he could somehow manifest the pain inside, for retribution for his greatest sin, for absolution.

He loves her, and if he truly does he must do what is right. After all, light and dark cannot ever hope to coexist. To truly love one another.

But he loves Bella, and so he does her one last service, forcing himself to watch over her fragile form until the others arrive. Mourning a future he did not deserve but longed for all the same. Mourning her. Her smile.

It was the longest night in both their lives.

A/N:

IHE: -points- Take your eyeliner and go sulk somewhere else, inner closet emo masochist boy.

Edward: -sobs- But! But! The razors- they j-j-just k-keep BENDING! -weeps-

XDDD


	20. Chapter 20

**Honor**

Warning! Vague New Moon Spoilers!

It is not near as valuable a quality as everyone makes it out to be.

Honor had made Edward do terrible, terrible things. She was the mistress in the lonely hotel, seductive lips murmuring promises of reward, of glory, of trust, of respect. Everything she deigned herself to glance upon automatically stood up straighter, seeking to better themselves in her gaze and perhaps earn another look. People whispered of her grandeur in hushed voices, tales of her beauty never far away, stories of her virtue ever present. And somehow she lowered herself to a monster, drawing him back from the abyss of himself long ago. And he had been striving to repay her ever since that dark time.

But Edward met another. He swore- _never again. Bella deserves better than this._ Suddenly blessed with some basis of comparison and clear eyes he found that honor disgusted him, revolted him.

But like the addict Edward was the crawled back time and time again, knees bloodied and palms scraped, dragged by the chains she looped about him while he was too busy gazing upon her false brilliance. Stripped of it she was but a crone, and even looking upon her countenance repulsed him. But the habits were too long engrained, the flesh long since having grown around the chafing on his collar, and he was powerless to do anything else. She drove him to do terrible things. He hurt himself, mauled his love, betrayed all that he held dear in her terrible name in the small hope that he may someday, someway find peace although he knew he hardly deserved it.

She is a terrible mistress, honor. _What is the right thing anymore?_

Her nails dig into his flesh every time he draws back from his love's kiss, tearing him in two. _Bella, Bella, can't you see I'm cheating on you?_

And as Bella's warm, warm fingers stroke his cheek, and her voice whispers in his ear, _"I love you,"_ her voice shaking in its intensity, he freezes up.

"How can you?" He trembles, he shakes. _How can you not see it? I've betrayed you so many times for someone I do not even love._

But because Bella loves Edward she will forgive him time and time again, trusting that he will always return to her from that shady love hotel, muttering excuses about having to work late again. And she will bandage his wounded knees and ignore the marks she leaves upon him because she knows that he will never be able to give that other woman up, and she must take what she can get. Because she loves him, and always will.

"Because you are _good._ Even if you don't believe it." Her breath ghosts over the skin of his neck.

Edward sinks into her embrace, loathing himself, knowing that those such as he can never cry. And she comforts him all the same.

Edward will never deserve his love and all her forgiveness, and in some twisted way maybe that is the reason he cheats on her time and time again. Perhaps Bella will finally come to her senses and leave this chained shell to the dismal fate he has earned for himself and the bright future she deserves.

"_I love you, Edward."_ Bella repeats it again, and he knows instinctually that those words are the truest thing she has ever spoken. And the small hope he may someday live up to them is the only thing that sees him through another night that echoes with the memories of her sobs as he chases the skirts of a lady called Honor.

A/N: Wow. Even angstier the second time around. –shock- Edited 1/13/07.


	21. Chapter 21

**Side Effects May Include…**

Bella's first act as a full-fledged vampire (after rising from her and Edward's shared bed and three days of excruciating pain) was to fall flat on her face.

She got up.

She fell again.

And again.

Two steps this time.

Er... never mind. She got caught on the doorjamb.

Edward caught her arm, pulling her up and back onto the comforter, and they both stared at her insolent feet for a moment.

"Dammit." The word from Bella's lips, clattering onto the floor.

Edward avoided her eyes. Taking a calming breath and rubbing her back in what he hoped was a comforting manner, he took his time responding. "It'll get better... Eventually." He wanted to add an "I hope" onto the end, but he didn't want to freak her out too much.

"I know you said that everything got magnified when you were changed, but… I never imagined it was _negative _traits too!" A random bullet shattered the window, whizzing past Bella's head and punching a hole in the far wall. She didn't flinch. "I imagine that there's no one in the area, either."

Edward shook his head slowly, eyes still downcast.

"Well- at least I don't get hurt as easily." _Positives, Bella, positives…_

"Let's not test that theory, shall we? And besides, I can think of _far_ better uses of your time than _walking._" The last word was accented with the faintest of snorts and a smile that could only be described as lecherous.

Frankly, she quite liked it. That look. Not the not-being-able-to-walk part. But the look was _very_ good.

A/N: Naughty, naughty Edward! -squeals- Well, I guess something must be said for delayed gratification. XDDD Eh… funniness. Are you happy! It was floating about in my head for awhile. I swear, everyone gets so serious with the changing thing, like-oh-my-gosh-his-skin-feels-so-warm-blah-blah-blah… So hah! Take that! Pa-chok!

And the bullet? Her already unnatural ability to attract random dangerous objects/people/things. XP


	22. Chapter 22

**Male Bonding**

Warning! New Moon Spoilers!

_(although, really, if you haven't read it by now and are reading this, you are quite the misguided Twilight fan)_

_Men… are strange creatures._ Bella thought quietly from her vantage point in the Swan kitchen, listening to the mingled strains of boasting, insults, cursing and various other bits of football trivia that were nearly rattling the walls. Of course, there was not much she could do about this, and her presence would only exacerbate the situation, so Bella could do little more than wince sympathetically with each proverbial hit below the belt.

Still, arguing (eh… screaming) about the ideal fantasy football team was quite the improvement over nearly tearing one another to shreds. Literally.

Jake had decided that no scrawny leech was going to keep him away from _his _Bella.

Charlie had decided that with maybe two men on the case, they could team up and drive the aforementioned leech out of the house. And he liked better Jake anyway.

Edward had long ago decided that he was not about to leave, whether Charlie liked it or not, and no irrational and immature _dog _was coming near _his_ Bella in any case.

And out of some insane mutual will to please her, aggression had taken a more passive form. Jacob and Charlie on the couch, shooting daggers at the vampire in the armchair who was gleefully returning their firepower with a smirk and declaration that the game box curse was still in effect, and the Seahawks would not be coming within a mile of last years relative success. Charlie twitched. Jake starting spouting medical jargon Bella would have better suspected out of, say, Carlisle, and various words ending in "back." Edward starting drawing up some diagram on some paper he had whipped out of god-knows-where as Charlie loudly commented that he had misspelled some name or another and that so-and-so had been traded onto such-and-such team _last_ year, and that only a compete _dolt _would not know that.

Bella, attuned to the natures of her various supernatural partners in crime, started hearing the subtle growls lacing their words.

Perhaps it was time to call out for pizza. Maybe Jake at least would be able to behave himself better on a full stomach.

She just hoped four larges would do it. Bella couldn't afford any more than that.

A/N: Game box curse. Er… that one main NFL game, and supposedly every player that got featured on the box got badly hurt (I think) that year and had to be pulled. And some Seahawk got it this year… er… Payton Manning? -headdesk- I have no idea if he's even on the Seachickens. That's my dad's turf. I don't even go to my own school's football games.


	23. Chapter 23

**Tourist Attractions**

"Umm… why is there a troll under the freeway overpass?"

The question hung in the air, positively reeking of befuddlement, before landing on the center console of the Volvo with a plop vaguely reminiscent of a wet noodle.

"And why is it holding a VW bug?"

Edward looks to Bella briefly, giving her a fondly annoyed look before examining the statue-thing once more. "How should I know? I haven't lived here all _that_ much longer than you." He pauses, thoughtful. "It's filled up with concrete though. I think people liked to sneak in there to have sex beforehand."

"Mmm." Bella turns to him, also thoughtful. _If only…_

"I believe it was for some movie, ages ago…" His gaze is distant, clearly struggling to remember some elusive title. Apparently it had not made it all the way up to Alaska, whatever it was, because he soon bows his head in utter defeat.

Welcome to Funky Fremont; it is one of the many smaller districts that make up Seattle- along with the U-District, Bell Town, Capitol Hill and the like. Among many things, it can lay claim to the title of Home of the Naked Bicyclists. Of course, they are one of the tamer attractions, and that usually only happens once a year. Usually. _This is what I get for deciding to be touristy… _Bella thinks. _A Toe Truck, concrete trolls, a stalled monorail, some authentic Ivar's fish and chips and a gaudy t-shirt with the Space Needle on it…We should have just gone and seen Pirates of the Caribbean again. Or stayed at Gameworks._

Edward decides to voice his thoughts. "Which way do you think the Pike Place Market is?" He avoids looking at her, completely ashamed. Somewhere in between the Trade Center and the aquarium and that Bayside place with the nice carousel he completely lost his sense of direction.

Bella chuckles. "Your guess is as good as mine."

Seattle is a bit of a strange town.

A/N:  Edited 1/13/07.


	24. Chapter 24

**Foreign**

It was by all accounts a typical evening at the Swan household. Unremarkable, really. Bella took her traditional evening shower, retiring to her room for some last minute history homework and a vampire lounging nonchalantly upon her bedspread, apparently absorbed in the latest addition to her personal library, _The Book Thief._ Edward glanced up briefly as she entered, taking in the familiar sight of her dripping hair and flannel pajamas, a crooked smile briefly appearing upon his countenance before his attention strayed once more to the page below him.

Feeling somewhat slighted, but not too terribly, (it _was_ a good book) Bella reluctantly turned her own attention to the history textbook and study sheet sitting far too innocently upon her desk. In fact, they appeared to be mocking her. She had much better things to be doing with her time when Edward was in the room. Heck, she had better things to be doing with her time period. But especially when he was lounging oh-so-casually upon her duvet.

Some time later, momentary distractions aside, he broke the silence.

"1066." His voice, while soft, seemed earth shattering in the unnatural stillness.

"Thanks."

Even after all this time, he still seemed somewhat foreign to her.

And while it had been proved time and time again that her mind remained more of an enigma than the vast majority of people, that his reply was nothing other than a conglomeration of having already completed this particular assignment, keen senses, and the usually comfortable melding of two people that have been in an extended relationship, it was still somewhat unnerving at time to know that someone actually paid _that much_ attention to even the most minute of her actions. That he could know the answer she had been struggling for without even seeing what problem she was on.

And he did it again, giving her a wry smile over the binding of the hardback. But Bella couldn't be sure if it was of Max's confessions on the whitewashed pages of Mein Kampf, her own hesitation, or some strange mixture of both. And before she even knew Edward had moved he was at her shoulder, fingering her now dry hair. Following his gaze, Bella saw that she had twisted into messy ringlets, playing with it while she read.

His eyes were unreadable, and he didn't say a word as he gently laid the tress back in its place, briefly running his fingers over her jaw, and was once more giving her that knowing smile over her book before she even saw him move.

Bella absently wondered how early she would have to get up to curl her hair before school tomorrow.

A/N: Figured I'd better give you guys something non-angsty before my readers rioted. XD And go read _The Book Thief._ It's by Markus Zusak, and probably the most intelligent and heartfelt book I have ever read. Of course, I love _Twilight_ too, for different reasons, but _The Book Thief_ is beautiful. You won't be disappointed. Pick it up for when you are done with _New Moon_.

And I thought Edward might enjoy reading something like that, considering that Zusak probably hadn't even been born yet when the Holocaust ended and Edward was alive during that period. It would be an interesting exercise in perspective.


	25. Chapter 25

Untitled

He loved how her eyes lit up. It was something so simple, so innocent, her wanting to go ride the carousel. It had only been an offhand remark, about the irony of how some arcade Edward had stumbled upon managed to be near as elegant as the antique store across the street, but her lips had curved in that irresistible smile, taking his hand and leading the way through the tangle of streets surrounding the Seattle waterfront. And it had only grown when she had spotted it through the curving window, down the street from the hulking aquarium and with the trolley route running just in front.

The neon sign all by itself was charming; all in curvy red letters with a simplistic carousel horse beneath it, spelling out "Bayfront" with some appeal modern billboards had long since lost. However, it was far from just the arcade itself- a collection of restaurants, some old bookstore and the typical collections of odd knick-knacks and charms that could only be sold in someplace where common sense is usually washed away by the rain. However, the arcade itself was the major draw.

The usual paraphernalia littered it: some shooter named Area 51, the game where you smash all the alligators, air hockey, the counter occupied by some bored looking man and terribly overpriced prizes. It differed from there though- instead of the usual darkness they allowed the expansive view of the waterfront to grace the bay windows, the typical gum splattered carpets replaced with light hardwood floors. And there was the matter of the carousel.

It took up most of the room, separated by a low glass barrier from the room itself and an insubstantial glass wall from the boardwalk. It was a _true _carousel- not like that campy trash many carnivals attempt to pass off as entertainment. Bella smiled at Edward once more as he silently paid the toll to the zitty teenager manning the booth, and she led him through the gate. He allowed her hand to guide him, not noticing the small grin spreading over his own features as she dithered between two of the grander steeds. Finally settling upon a warhorse proudly tossing its head in full glittering regalia, she mounted up. Edward was content to take one of the less impressive inner horses- the better to see her expression.

It was an elegant piece of machinery- each horse lovingly crafted, each bulb polished, the wood beneath their feet buffed to a soft luster. It took it's time starting, the traditional music swelling to a grand crescendo as it slowly rumbled into motion. Edward didn't force his long legs into the stirrups, rather letting them slowly touch the surface of the floor before rising again. Bella was entranced, her gaze straying from the sparkling crest piece of her mount to the bay outside, to the mirrors on the inner wall of the carousel, to Edward's face. She gave him a wide smile, eyes crinkling in pleasure. She mouthed the words, _thank you,_ unwilling to disturb the beat of the music. Edward found himself returning it, allowing the "your welcome" to remain unsaid. Bella understood.

And somehow those gently undulating lights took Edward back. Back beyond the usual memories of blackened nights and bright stars, to something far fuzzier. Feelings, rather than some clear picture. To some time when a heart still beat within a child's chest, a mouth sticky with candy, and a mother taking him on the merry go round. A toddlers gap-toothed grin as he rested against his mother's chest and feet that seemed miles from the ground flying beneath his feet. Warmth. Security. Happiness.

He could barely remember his mother's face.

And Bella chose that moment to glance over, somehow sensing that sharp intake of breath. With effort he kept the smile upon his face, but he couldn't keep the age away that shown in his eyes. The weight of a lifetime far too long for anyone's good. Breaching the rift between him, she reached over to enclose his cool hand in her own warm one.

Suddenly aware that the ride had in fact stopped, Edward shared a smirk with the girl beside him- it was not unpleasant though- and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

"One more time around, please."

A/N: Decided to work on description. Exploring the theme of Edward's age. A vain attempt to share with you one of my favorite places on the planet. –hugs-

AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T UPDATED SINCE SEPTEMBER. I AM SO SO SO SO SO SORRY. FORGIVE ME. -weeps- I'm working on an overhaul of some of the earlier drabbles, and have a few ideas. I'm working on a fic for a seperate fandom though, so it may take awhile to finish the whole project. THANK YOU FOR HANGING IN HERE.

And FYI- ALL CHALLENGES WILL BE CONTEMPLATED WITHIN REASON. XD My gift to you for being a lazy updater. -smiles-


	26. Chapter 26

**The World Today**

Bella had not sat down with the intention of watching the news that grey afternoon. It had simply been on, and the story about the naming of the new school down south had managed to intrigue her. She took a seat upon the beaten sofa, cradling her head on the armrest, and surrendered herself to it. Before she even noticed what was happening, Bella was sucked in, as the ever revolving clips pounded themselves into her head with an incessant, grim, need.

Eventually Edward came and inserted himself, wrapping her in a shawl and cradling her in his lap. Neither said a word.

And as the reporters' edges blurred and even the occasional false happiness of some story about a kid donating money to his sister's school lapsed into the abyss of political jargon, the sun slowly sank into the night as well. Shadows grew longer, flickering in the blue light of the screen, as the couple continued to watch the slow decline of the world through the small portal of a television and the dour faces of immaculate anchors. Catchy titles and trite descriptions of interviewees, and explanations that meant nothing, spinning their lies and facades deep into the night.

The immortal and mortal, absorbed in the issues of a society where even the news was a source of manipulation. Golden eyes close, weary. _This, the world, it is but one endless loop…_

Words are voiced into the darkness, a thought bubbling to the surface unbidden. "Will it be alright?"

Neither knows from where it originated.

A/N: I hate the news. Came to mind since my grandpa's here, and it's all he ever watches. And very loud. And he wonders why he gets depressed. But what I was going for was the contrast of perspectives of Edward and Bella, and their immortal and mortal (for now… keh heh heh) lifespans upon today. If that made any sense.

I realize this is similar to a drabble I posted previously on here, but I only figured this out after I read it and decided to post this anyway. -sparkle-


	27. Chapter 27

**Father Figure**

All Charlie wants is what is best for Bella. Really, he's not used to this whole "parent thing." It feels like sometimes all he does is ask himself question after question, lying awake rememorizing the spider-webbing of cracks of his ceiling and occasionally emitting a fake snore for the benefit of his daughter and her boyfriend whispering in the next room. Does she know how loud she's being? Really. _Bells is a bright girl- she won't do anything stupid_. Can she come to him with her problems? _Of course, I'm being open- aren't I?_ What would Renee have done? What if Renee was here right now?

He wonders if he should cut this Edward person some more slack. _But, after what he did to Bella, and her taking off **again** on his account… _

But, then, hasn't Charlie always wished that he and Renee could have worked it out like they have? Is it his place to get in the way of that? _Where is that line drawn?_

Maybe the best he can hope for is that when she leaves this place (_I knew she wasn't going to stay from the moment she stepped off that plane.)_ maybe it won't have to be alone. She was always destined for something more than lonely evenings of ESPN and bittersweet memories in some forgotten damp corner of the world.

But dammit, he is going to do something about that motorcycle before that time comes.


	28. Chapter 28

**Stormy Weather**

"I think the weather is angry with me." It was an unexpected announcement, if not only for it's rather bizarre content coming from a (normally) rational (if seductive) mouth. But also the fact that Edward spoke it so casually, and out of the blue. Bella couldn't help but laugh. "But I'm serious! Come on!" He let out an exasperated chuckle, and they both collapsed back into the sofa to watch the rain streak down the windows as lighting crackled in the distance.

Bella cocked her head, squinting at the glass. "I think it's bending in. Is it? Maybe we ought to tape the windows. Are there any dead trees around the house? And why is the weather mad at you?" She realized she was babbling, and trailed off, gazing at Edward expectantly. He narrowed his eyes at the windowpanes.

"I think they are. It would probably be a good idea to move to the other room, at the very least. It's not like the lamps work any better here." Edward made a vague gesture towards the dark room and dead lamps, smirking and conveniently ignoring Bella's last question. She pinned him with a glare.

"Edward. Explain yourself."

He snickered. His M.O., his dismissive gesture of choice when he was in a good mood. However, Edward was clearly regretting saying it in the first place. A shifty glance to confirm she meant business brought it out though. "Well, as soon as we got back from Italy we had that surprise heat wave, then the flooding, then the snowstorm, then the windstorm accompanied by more flooding to carry away whatever had not previously floated elsewhere or been blown away or collapsed… Frankly, I'm half expecting a plague of locusts next." He shrugged, but despite his jokey demeanor Bella could clearly see some small superstitious part of him was dead serious.

She climbed into his lap, turning to face him as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her forehead to his own cool one. "I think…" she smiled, as the worry left his eyes, "that all the weather wants is for you to spend plenty of time trapped inside with me, apologizing profusely, while Charlie is out trying to keep people's houses firmly attached to their foundations. Would you agree?"

He smiled. "Whatever you say."

A/N: Real events. Washington is not what you would call pleasant at the moment. The goals and concession stand floated away at my brothers favorite soccer field, we got over a foot of snow in one night over thanksgiving weekend (totally unheard of in these parts, and suffice to say we were far from prepared) and 65 mile per hour winds inland! Over a million people were without power at one point! Now- again, this is inland- think of what that's like on the coast! OO We're talking 90 miles per hour. And poor Whidbey Island, without ANY POWER WHATSOEVER ANYWHERE for days on end. WOWZERS.

All within two months.

And… umm… sorry for the late update. My computer was in the shop for over five weeks after I got back from vacation. –shifty glance-

AND THANK YOU TO THE REVIEWERS OF THE WHILE!!! forevermagik and Jedi Bubbles... YOU ROXXORZ MY SOXXORZ.


	29. Chapter 29

**Emergency**

Edward had simply been in Calculus, minding his own business, when- well, maybe he wasn't quite minding his own business. What Edward was actually doing was seeing if in addition to mind reading he could also _control_ people's minds He wasn't really bothering with the ethical questions raised by such behavior at this point, because, after all, it was still in it's infancy and that would take too much energy.

He felt like a slug. A big, bored, lazy and rather lonesome banana slug (much like the one he had accidentally stepped on this morning first thing after getting out of his car. It had taken ten minutes of wiping his shoe off in the grass to remove all traces.) having a lesson spewed on him that Edward had already been taught at least ten times and didn't make sense in the first place. Something involving imaginary numbers. Edward was not paying much attention because all the seniors had already taken their finals, and graduating standings had been announced a week ago. Frankly, he didn't even see why the man was bothering to waste his time- in his row alone three people had already given up the ghost and passed out.

Well, that and Bella was home sick today. Edward still wasn't sure quite how she had convinced him to come to school anyway. Thus the interest in mind control- because surely that was what Bella must have used, to get him to brave this hellhole without even the allure of surprise passing period make out sessions and her silent impression of Mr. Third Period whenever he turned his back to scribble something on the board. That, and it would be a vast improvement to the class atmosphere if he succeeded in making Mike suddenly drop what he was doing and start dancing on his desk.

Yes, Edward was feeling especially cynical today. _There! His foot twitched! Progress!_

But anyway. Edward was simply minding his own business when not trying to force unsuspecting dolts to embarrass themselves further when he got a text message from Alice. She never could be bothered to put them in anything but all caps.

EMERGENCY BELLA IN TROUBLE HAD VISION ON ATTENDANCE PROBATION SO I CANT GO

_Bella's in trouble! I thought she just had a cold… but she is **Bella.**_ After contemplating for a moment on if he should get Carlisle on the way (just in case) and deciding against it, Edward leapt from his desk and immediately dashed to her unassuming house. Not one of his classmates even emerged from their stupor enough to acknowledge his departure.

Edward arrived not a moment too soon. Bella was lying on the couch wrapped in a knitted shawl and surrounded by mounds of snotty tissues, eyes frighteningly blank. He rushed to her side, shaking her gently (for him) and trying to get a response.

"Bella! Please, speak to me! SPEAK TO ME!" But when she didn't really make any sort of response, he lowered his mouth to hers, out of any other ideas.

She quietly groaned under the pressure of his lips, the soul gradually returning to her lovely brown eyes. Edward grinned victoriously, before putting some more vigor in his kiss. Eventually they drew apart again, and Bella moaned, holding her head. "Ugh…"

"You almost gave me a heart attack there!" Edward exclaimed, strangely out of character.

Bella groaned again. "That's what she said…"

Edward examined her critically for a moment, before he gasped. "You watched daytime television- didn't you? I warned you about that! That stuff is dangerous, even in small amounts!"

"I was desperate. It started out innocent enough, an Office marathon, but then I lost the TV changer, and Full House came on and, and… OH EDWARD IT WAS TERRIBLE!" Bella collapsed, sobbing into Edward's shoulder.

He rubbed her back in a soothing gesture. "Shhh, Bella, calm down. I'll buy you a TiVo tomorrow and we'll make sure this never happens again…"

A/N: You realize this is a joke- right? If not, someone, please, kill me now.

Inspired by my little brothers strange addiction to Full House. That shows frightens me. And the "That's what she said" comment? Michael from the Office's favorite line in response to ANYTHING.


	30. Chapter 30

**Tall Tales**

Hell, people still talk of it, the ultimate high school tall tale passed down from one class of seniors to the juniors below them as they ascend to take their place. One of many fables rattling throughout crowded halls through the ages, rising above the rest- so awe inspiring and persistent as to keep wowing even today's jaded youth.

The whole debacle involved a video in advanced chemistry, a rather oblivious teacher, and a couple of seniors.

It has been retold here by a one Jessie Newton, to be recorded for all time and the generations after us.

"Well, see, my older bro Mike, he was taking this class in his senior year with this chick Bella and her boyfriend. I saw her once; she used to work at my dad's outdoor store. Really hot- I mean, _smokin'_ , but she had this freakshow of a boyfriend. I think his name was Edward. Or was it Edmund? Some prissy English crap. Always used to hang around and wait for her after her shift. Just moved down here from _Alaska _of all places a few years beforehand. I mean, who the hell lives in _Alaska?_ I tell you. And then he took off for LA out of the blue that year for a few months, and then came _back._ Who the hell leaves LA for this place either? Weird son of a bitch.

"But anyway, see, the teacher was showing this really boring-ass video in AP chem, something about covalent bonding, I think was what Mike said. Long too- and there were a bunch of two hour late starts because of snow days, so they had been trying to finish this thing for almost a full school week. It's going on the fifth day. Most everyone was asleep.

"But, see, this Bella chick and her boyfriend were lab partners, shared a table and everything. I TA in the counselor's office, and the ladies there are still obsessed with the guy, even though he graduated two years ago! Somehow he managed to get most all of their classes together. Mike tried to ask her out at one point and turned she turned him down. But hey, not that I blame her. Guy's my own brother, and I think he's a douche-bag.

"So they're just in the middle of class, right, staring at each other. And staring. And staring. In the dark. Mike had to sit right behind him, so he got a front row seat. And all of a sudden they just start making out, right there in the middle of the class. Which, while not that unusual, was still a bit strange. You could get anything past Mr. Banner. No one even noticed for a few minutes, until they weren't even sitting in the chairs anymore.

"By this point the teacher realized they were practically about ready to have sex right there in the middle of the classroom. She was trying to get his shirt of and everything, and he kept biting at her neck for some reason. Mr. Banner yelled at them, which they ignored, all the other kids were going crazy, and so the teacher tried to pull the two apart. And get this, the guy _growled _at him. And Mr. Banner physically could get him to move. Said it was like 'pushin' on a boulder' or some crap like that. Like I said, weird son of a bitch. Then- this is where it gets even stranger.

"See, this Edward dude, he had a bunch of freaky siblings too. Suddenly they all come bursting into the classroom, even though no one called them, _rip_ the pair apart, then heave the guy bodily out the window and pull Bella out the door. Just haulin' ass- the whole thing must not have taken even two seconds. Just 'poof' and they were gone. This Eric kid Mike knew thought to look out to the parking lot, and their cars were still there, but they were nowhere to be seen. All of them. Didn't come back the whole day.

"Then, sometime during the night their cars vanished. The security cameras couldn't even catch what happened. Same thing- there one moment, gone the next. They didn't even show up for graduation. No one saw them again.

"But like I said- it's probably just some story Mike made up cuz this chick wouldn't date him. Who knows."

A/N: Raise your hand if you can tell this guy is frosh. XD

And FYI- I absolutely _loathe_ the term "douche." It's so insulting, and just insensitive. But that's why I used it.

And for the particularly unobservant, remember how bad the video was during bio in Twilight? Give it another year, a bit more, ahem, _contact_, a bit of pining for one another, confessions of everlasting love and devotion, a bit of voting, a proposal and… -raises eyebrow-

In the process of revamping –heh heh heh- previous drabbles. So far, Christmas Present (1), Diet Wreckers (2), Alarm Clock (3), Italian Food (14), Honor (20), and Tourist Attractions (23) have received an overhaul. Re-read if you like, 1/2/3/20 have all had a lot added to them especially.


	31. Chapter 31

**Untitled 2**

To Edward, that fateful day in biology seemed like so many lifetimes ago, or perhaps it was just an instant. Somehow he had lost all sense of time around this girl, losing sight of the surface like a drowning man who eagerly embraced his eventual fate. However, with his resignation came a peculiar freedom.

Turns out, a prison is not a prison at all if you remain there by choice. An epiphany of sorts, although it was undoubtedly something he had known for much longer but had not been able to admit. Bella had never given him an answer to his proposal, and he still brought it up from time to time, already anticipating the quiet withdrawal that served as her only answer, time and time again.

Edward was not going to push her into something she was uncomfortable with, but he was not about to become a hypocrite by doing the same. An impasse, of the most barbaric variety. And there was no respite he could see forthcoming. However- this also meant there was nothing to wait for. What use was there in denying themselves any longer?

Bella was no longer the eager young teenager he had grown to love, and somehow this graceful woman was the one now taking a shower on the other side of the doorway, as he pondered the stucco ceiling and the smelly-hand-me-down mattress that she deigned to call a bed. College has a tendency to do that to someone. Edward would know.

Bella turned twenty yesterday.

She didn't act any different. She didn't look any different. She did not shy away as he joined her in bed that night, or when he pressed a chaste kiss to warm lips and murmured a good night, voice shaking in his intensity.

But she did not murmur an _I love you_ back.

How ironic.

And so he had no hesitation that he strode confidently into the bathroom, shedding his clothes with a casual ease. Jeans fell upon the grimy tile with a soft whisper, t-shirt joining them, bare feet molding to the damp floor, to part only with great reluctance.

Edward waited for just a moment, denying himself just a bit longer. Perhaps to convince himself that what was sure to be the most intimate moment of his life was not simply contrived out of necessity, but a _choice._ Bella was humming to herself, a melody he was not familiar with, just barely audible above the dull roar of the water. Her silhouette was achingly lovely beyond the opaque curtain.

He steeled himself, drawing it open.

Bella gasped, whipping upward to meet his eyes. There was no question of chastity, or what he was doing here. They had passed such trivial things long ago.

It was the most beautiful sight Edward had ever had the honor of witnessing. It was not with lust but an almost artistic appreciation of her form that he took her in at long last. Tangled, gorgeous, slightly soapy hair. The scent of her floral shampoo. Water clinging hesitantly to creamy skin. He chose to save her expression for last, drawing it out, eyes tracing the curves of her body lovingly.

The curve of her breast, the lines of her stomach, the soft indent of her navel. The sleek glory of her legs. And miles and miles of milky soft skin.

The small trickle of blood, trailing down her leg and ankle, before washing onto the small ledge on the edge of the bathtub and across the textured bottom. The terribly innocent pink razor. Her trembling hands.

And just a quickly as he had entered Edward was gone, the flutter of the curtain and the t-shirt still lying upon the floor the only indication he had ever entered. Bella ran after him, not even pausing to halt the flow of the water, only grabbing a towel to wrap about her tremulous form. "Edward, Edward, you just startled me and I cut myself shaving, look it's already stopped, the blood's washed down the drain, everything's fine, please come back, _don't leave me alone, Edward, Edward, Edward!"_ The words were nothing but a clutter of syllables, falling from her lips in some pathetic attempt to define the maelstrom of emotions flooding through her as she burst through the doorway, deathly afraid of what she would (not) find.

He sat upon her bed, staring up at the water-stained ceiling. Slowly, slowly, his gaze met her own. It was so empty.

And suddenly, it was gone, eyes dodging. Numbly Bella took a seat at his side, ignoring the creaking protest of the bed, curling herself in a ball against Edward's hard side. Edward was not sure if her shaking was a choked sob, or just the cooling water against his cool chest.

Tentatively he reached a hand up to smooth the tangles of her hair, as they shivered together and wondered whatever cruel deity possessed them, to think that this could ever work.

A/N: I make myself sad sometimes… -angst- This was originally supposed to be a humor piece, inspired by a shower of my own and… umm… some very dirty thoughts. Meh heh heh. It was going to involve some lathering, and Bella getting some soap in her eyes, and it just all going hilariously downhill from there.

As you can see, I had second, more intelligent, thoughts. Please don't hurt me. –cowers- Aren't you sad that I noticed I hadn't written angst in awhile?

On a more pleasant note, thank you so much! I've passed the 100 review mark (by quite a bit) and you people are all so nice. A big thank you for all those who reviewed, will review, or have ever reviewed, and for everyone else- thanks for at least taking the time to read my work. I sincerely hope you enjoy it. –hugs-

And forgive me for the long author's note and lack of updates. They stem from matching lack of inspiration. **IF YOU HAVE A CHALLENGE, FIC EXCHANGE, PROMPT, WHATEVER, LET ME AT IT!**


	32. Chapter 32

**Comparisons**

"_She soon says, 'You're my best friend, Ed.' _

'_I know.'_

_You can kill a man with those words. No gun. No bullets. Just words and a girl."_

_- I Am the Messenger, by Markus Zusak _

- - - - -

The comparisons are inevitable. Bella just wishes she could avoid the fact that in any other life, Jacob would have been enough.

Edward is the other half of her whole, this beautiful, wrecking, force, outside of time and nature and the mundane world around them. The force that reshaped her whole perception of the world in a few moments, as their eyes met across a crowded cafeteria that suddenly seemed that much more distant. The star she set her sights upon, a prince set in moving stone, the person she wishes to be, and who has deigned himself for some reason to love this lowly, clumsy, human. And she tries everyday to earn that love, for whatever irrational reason it has for existing.

They. Simply. Clicked.

And yet here is Jacob, content with only the scraps, this warped girl with shattered dreams and a hole where her heart used to be. Like the dog he is-- taking what he can get, and somehow not regretting his position as such, repairing her as best he knew how with a pair of motorcycles and warm hands, with no thanks expected or needed. And treated as nothing better when than the stray he is when the time finally came.

Here lies Bella, whole once more but crumpled all the same, trying to compose a letter, scribbled words upon crumpled, tear-stained pages.

_I saw a Rabbit drive by the other day, but it was the wrong color. I wanted to cry all the same._

_Edward doesn't laugh at horror movies the way you do._

She can hope that someday he will find someone else, someone who is not already as warped as she, or that someday he and Edward can come to some sort of agreement. That they could see the other as she has. But Bella knows that this is a simply some sort of false, empty hope, the kind that sustains us all from day to day, because we have no choice but to believe or fall. Jacob is as twisted as she is, and the convoluted kinks and curves that make him up will only ever fit the one person who bent him that way. And now the metal is corroded, rusted, abused, manifesting in his cold eyes and the way he walks, talks.

Jacob is a changed man, a bitter one, and it is entirely her fault. And there is no way of correcting the damage. She wishes she could love him…the way he deserves. With the same sort of unerring loyalty he used to show, before his smile deserted him. It would be so much simpler.

Bella regrets, surely, but knows there is no way things could have turned out differently. Things were set in motion the instant she took that seat in biology, and there was no going back. And while it pains her to say it, she would not have traded the future she now has retrieved for the past she deserted.

They are not the same person, and never will be- two separate spheres that may never overlap. And Edward is not perfect, no matter how he may appear. He is the love of her life. But he is not her best friend.

_I'm sorry._

_Thank you. For everything._

_You're my best friend- you know that, right?_

A/N: Re-read New Moon and the general consensus was: DAMN IT JACOB- I DON'T WANT TO LIKE YOU! -weeps- I already got ONE angsty always-the-best-friend-never-the-lover-hotter-than-Jacob-Black-person here. –shoves Renji into spotlight- He has tattoos. And red hair.

Why do you do this to me Jacob?! WHY?!

This is crap. You know it. I know it. We all know it. Just review, dammit.

Beta-ed by LOMESIR WHO IS THE BEST PERSON EVER. –loves-


	33. Chapter 33

**Greater Evils**

Edward had seen the seventh circle of hell (a long story for a later time), and it was a fairly unpleasant place. Somewhat hot. He had kind of wished he had thought to bring one of those portable, hand-held fans with him. It was a rather disagreeable sort of joint, made more so by the brief thought that while one of those stupid wolves could stand in the snow and not get cold, the fact that he couldn't walk through fire and not get hot was just plain _unfair_.

The seventh circle of hell had nothing on the DMV.

"Department of Monstrous Vultures," he suggested dully. Bella lolled her head up from its position on his shoulder to fix him with a rather blank stare.

"Not bad enough. Department of Murderous Vandals?" The brown flecked, industrial tile floor had managed to suck even the inflection out of her voice-- not content to simply stop time, but put a stopper on all excitement, stifle happiness and all emotion besides, and generally piss a person (or vampire) off. She could have just told him she was pregnant and that Carlisle/Emmett/Jasper/Mr. Banner was the father and Edward couldn't have even managed to get excited.

He sighed. "Nah…" Edward repositioned himself, trying to get as comfortable as possible on the hard tile floor while Bella checked their number for the twenty-second time (yes, he had been counting). Not that the hard metal chairs were much better. But they we all filled up by other people looking as bored as they were, so it was a bit of a moot point.

Bella jiggled her foot, and Edward could tell she was playing Name-The-Person, by the expression on her face. The game they had invented half an hour or so ago (it could have been longer), when the battery on his cell phone ran out and they couldn't play Tetris anymore. It basically consisted picking some random, unfortunate loser like themselves and giving them a name. Something along the lines of Lonely-Jock-Kid, Fake-Looking-Chick, Soap-Opera-And-Bon-Bons, or Male-Pattern-Baldness.

Edward started banging his head against the wall. If he was lucky, maybe he could beat himself unconscious. After all, who wouldn't want to? You certainly would when assailed over and over and over by the same thought of, '_I'm… so… bored… Neerrruugghhh...'_

So he told Bella of this plan, because it wasn't like anyone was listening or he had anything better to do. Her interest seemed mildly piqued. "So they actually think '_uuuunnnngghh_?'"

Edward shook his head. It took a lot of effort to move lately. "Yes, but no. It's more like '_nnnneeegguurrhh.'"_

Bella nodded. It seemed like it took her a lot of effort too, so he was a little gladdened by that fact.

She continued. "Oh, so more like '_nneerrruuggh.'"_

"Precisely." Edward moved onto more enlightening matters. Like crushing those annoying little mini half-pencils to dust. But his vindictive streak was not quite satisfied by simple pleasures like destroying such cheap government property, and it only left him a bit more angry. Angry as in Hmm-Maybe-I-Should-Burn-The-White-House-Yawn-Too-Much-Trouble…

The computer-generated voice droned out that number one-hundred-thirty-three was up. The way that all the vowels sounded the same was vaguely unsettling. Kind of like walking in a dark rat-infested barn, or having someone else's saliva dripping on the back of one's neck.

Only sixty five people left to go.

Bella absently reminisced about her first trip to the DMV, and how she went to use the eye test and the foam pad where your forehead went was stained bright yellow, while Edward seethed as much as one can in a funk state as strong as his.

"Whatever little punk decided that it was a good idea to 'borrow' our wallets during the assembly is going to pay. Painfully. In a limb-rendering sort of way."

Bella gave the closest she had ever come to an evil smile, and Edward contented himself with thoughts of revenge and ripping her clothes off and having her right there on the tile floor (because he highly doubted that anyone could even draw themselves out of their stupor enough to notice). But soon that even became too much trouble.

Luckily, Bella picked then to point to the only visible aberration to the surplus beige paint covering the high walls. "Why did they frame that ugly of a poster? Because if their plan was to not offend anyone of any religion, creed, race or sexual orientation, they have really failed."

The poster was indeed offensive. It hung almost randomly in the middle of the very large wall, and was the only decoration in the entire room. A delightfully inane babbling brook was pictured under the caption of, "Spring is the renewal of the world." Hell, it was an insult to art everywhere to put this drivel in a frame. Further inspection revealed that there was another matching poster suspended behind the fat woman running the second station up front.

Bella got another, slightly maniacal grin. "I bet you can't steal that thing without getting caught."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "You're on."

The following feat of athletic achievement was one for the ages. Edward moved so fast that all the security cameras caught was a brief flicker. He was even faster than that time he prevented Bella from being squished by an old van. Or the time she almost got squished by a runaway pickup the following summer. Or when Emmett was chasing after him after he stole Rosalie's (Emmett's) favorite lingerie on a prank back in 1973. Or when both he _and_ Emmett stole Alice's "Naughty Toy Box" and discovered that if

Edward was a mountain lion and Emmett was an irritated grizzly, then Jasper was somewhere along the lines of some genetically altered and pissed off, rabid… well, it was best not to go into details on that one.

He had been lucky to survive that encounter. The stakes were not near as high this time, but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy himself. It wasn't like he had anything better to do. Even jail (not that it wouldn't be easy to escape, but a criminal record didn't do wonders for someone trying to remain anonymous) would be an improvement over this place. _They_ got TV.

Within a matter of seconds both paintings were stacked in the back of Bella's pickup, and the electronic read out and voice had been tampered with so that they were next Less than five minutes later, (give or take a few time-consuming forms and much flashing of alternative identification), they were assured that replacement licenses would be put in the mail, and arrive in a week (month) or two.

Edward drove the truck home, telepathic mind absently searching for any police officers that might be in the area. Not like anyone was going to pull him over, at the speed he was going. The only chance he had at a ticket was going _too_ slow. Although that had happened once. Bella would not be hearing the end of it until he finally convinced her to take possession of the BMW he bought her last month and had done nothing but sit in Emmett's share of the garage.

Waking to reality was a slow process, as their minds adjusted to the fact that there was, in fact, life outside that moved and breathed and hadn't progressed a hundred years while they were trapped.

"So… what are you planning on doing with those things?"

Edward allowed himself a slightly maniacal snicker. "Give me a few more minutes. I haven't thought of anything unpleasant enough."

A/N: Again, edited by Lomesir, who is, again, the best person ever. Very much so. Because this was a piece of CRAP with terrible grammar before my lovely beta had their lovely way with it. You couldn't even see the margins for all the comments. –more love-


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